I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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