I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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