i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
