Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
