that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
