Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It's never too late to be topless.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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