The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
