i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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