Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
