Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Screwed.edu
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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