my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
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