I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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