Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
