fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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