I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
