I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
