dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
