So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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