My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
