Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
