remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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