remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
