I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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