You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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