I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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