she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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