...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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