Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
