She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
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