this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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