I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
