my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
