I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
