I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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