just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
