Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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