Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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