You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
