just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
