You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
grandma shit on top of the toilet
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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