I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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