we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
