Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
