Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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