I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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