Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
