true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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