birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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