Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
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