note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize
