I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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