Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I was not drunk enough for that final.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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