Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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