On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Randomize