the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
