So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize