PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
