you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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