My nipple is on Facebook.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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