My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I didn't notice because vodka
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
