Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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