DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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